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The Cabin in the Woods (2011) – Review

April 24, 2012 in Horror, Reviews, SciFi

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1 1/2 Stars

The Cabin in the Woods gets one thing right, it has a great title. One that evokes all sorts of nightmare scenarios, unfortunately thats about all I can commend this horror comedy for. Part satire, part homage, and very boring is a more accurate description of the impact this annoyingly smug little film had on me. Director Drew Goddard working from a screenplay co-written by Joss Whedon, is responsible for this outlandish tale that starts like most films in the genre but has far greater aspirations. That the film is entirely unsuccessful has partially to do with the fact that Goddard and Whedon, try to cram too much into what appears to be a low-budget thriller. Tonally the film is a mess, it wants to have it both ways. Are we supposed to laugh at the knowing winks to genre conventions or be startled by the routine slasher moments? In the end I was not impressed or entertained by either.
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The Mortician (2011) – Review

February 28, 2012 in Drama, Horror, Reviews

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3 1/2 Stars

What a devilish little gem The Mortician turns out to be. I must admit there are instances when I judge a flick by its DVD cover and this one had been staring me down for a few days. My expectations for a thriller starring Method Man of Wu Tang Clan fame were so low it took a mountain of will power just to get the disc into the player. Then the film started and from those opening moments it becomes obvious you’re in the hands of a talented filmmaker with a good story to tell. The noir style homage is more Proyas and Hughes Brothers than Hitchcock, but that seems appropriate given the atmosphere and tension The Mortician is able to mount in a very short period.
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Stormhouse (2011) – Review

February 22, 2012 in Horror, Reviews

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1 Star

Stormhouse is a Sphere meets The Excorcist low-budget science fiction horror flick. 11 months before the invasion of Iraq the British government has imprisoned a supernatural entity in an underground base called Stormhouse. After loosing contact with the spirit they bring in ghost whisperer Hayley Sands. But her involvement proves deadly as the entity escapes, wreaking havoc on the base. Who will make it out alive?
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Metal Shifters (2011) – Review

February 8, 2012 in Horror, Reviews, SciFi

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1 Star

Originally titled Iron Invader, but more appropriately renamed Metal Shifters this flick opens with brothers Jake and Ethan doing some light construction when they spot a falling meteor crashing to Earth. After investigating the meteor turns out to be a pile of metal junk with some green paint (or alien bacteria as the movie suggests) smeared on it. They decide to sell it to the old man in the junkyard, who happens to be welding together a large robot statue that he explains is a golem (what great foreshadowing). Soon the blood thirsty green paint alien bacteria is possessing the statue and chasing down every victim in sight. Who will survive to stop this behemoth?
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The Thing (2011) – Review

February 7, 2012 in Horror, Reviews, SciFi

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1 1/2 Stars

The Thing starts off with a fantastic pre title sequence, full of tension, spectacle and a forbidding sense of isolation. It then proceeds to dissipate that great opening and is content to rest on its laurels for the rest of the way. It’s a lazy effort that is both overly familiar and boring for large stretches of its drawn out running-time. To be fair this isn’t a sequel or reboot to the John Carpenter film but yet a prequel. In actuality it most closely resembles an Alien film with a determined heroine stalking about strapped with a flame thrower. Featuring a nearly all Norwegian cast this is practically a foreign film, the characters aren’t defined clearly through the script and the cast of smiliar looking actors only adds to the confusion. Even Joel Edgerton, who was so magnetic in Warrior, is rendered ineffective and bland in this his second feature film.
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2-Headed Shark Attack (2012) – Review

February 6, 2012 in Action, Horror, Reviews, SciFi

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1 Star

A group of students aboard a U.S. educational vessel on a ocean trip to study aquatic life discover the presence of the ultra rare and extra vicious 2 headed shark of the title. After an intial encounter with the sea beast causes damage to their vessel the students and their teacher abandon the ship for refuge on a deserted atoll. However, said land mass is suffering from some serious seismic activity, the ground seems to be opening up before them. Forcing these marooned students to enter the dangerous ocean waters in order to make it back aboard the ship they abandoned in the first place. If that seems a little redundant it’s appropriate as this whole movie borrows stock footage from other Asylum films to pad the stretched out plot points.
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Shark Night (2011) – Review

February 3, 2012 in Horror, Reviews

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1 Star

Shark Night opens with a tiring classic homage to Steven Spielberg’s JAWS and then promptly forgets about sharks for the next twenty-five minutes. During this stint of time a group of college kids head out to a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf, conveniently cut off from cell phone access (if those pesky cell phones ever worked they’d ruin most horror flicks these days). Many bikini shots, CGI sharks and a twist with the locals later we end with a “thank you” (more like a “thank God”). Got it? Good. Now let’s tear this up with three rows of critically sharp teeth.
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Underworld: Awakening (2012) – Review

February 2, 2012 in Action, Horror, Reviews

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2 1/2 Stars

The fourth installment in the Underworld series finds the world of vampires and lycans encroached upon by humans. After discovering the existence of both inhuman species, mankind decides to hunt them down and obliterate them in what they call The Purge. Selene is captured and Michael’s whereabouts are unknown. She awakens (hence the title, which tells you how deep this movie’s gonna get) years later from a frozen state in a science lab. An unknown entity known as Subject 2 frees her and runs. Now Selene must adapt to this new world, and find Subject 2 if she is to locate her hybrid vampire and lycan lover Michael.
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Midnight Chronicles (2010) – Review

February 2, 2012 in Action, Family, Horror, Reviews, SciFi

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2 1/2 Stars

Midnight Chronicles is a curiously low-key, yet ambitiously mounted medieval drama with the complex mythology of a cable miniseries mixed with the off beat style of David Lynch’s eccentric Dune adaptation. Audience members not familiar with the source material may not recognize this film as having an association to the Dungeons and Dragons role playing game Midnight. It’s telling that the producers didn’t use the D&D moniker anywhere in the title. Perhaps it was a conscious effort to distance this movie from the horrendous previous films that have fallen under that banner. Whatever the case, Midnight Chronicles is a better picture that strains to tell its elaborate story within the limitations of its obviously inadequate budget.
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Rage (2010) – Review

January 19, 2012 in Horror, Reviews

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3 Stars

Rage opens in a nice quiet suburban neighborhood. Dennis Twist says goodbye to his wife as he heads into town. Aside from breaking up with his mistress the day is relatively normal and relaxed. That is until a motorcyclist targets Dennis for unknown reasons. The situation continues to escalate with each run in as Dennis’ very survival becomes questionable. Unable to go to the police, as it would out his affair to his wife, Dennis tries to lose the tail. Who is this helmeted pursuer? His ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend? How far will this concealed maniac’s rage drive him?
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The Devil Inside (2012) – Review

January 14, 2012 in Horror, Reviews

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1 Star

The Devil Inside is the latest in the increasingly popular ‘found footage’ genre. With any luck the amateurish acting, vapid storytelling and laughable ending will put the final nail in the coffin for this type of film. The story (what little there is) centers on a young woman who travels to Rome in order to learn more about her estranged mother. Turns out back in the late 1980′s mommy dearest was responsible for the death of three people during an exorcism. Now two decades later her daughter is obsessed with the notion that evil exist in the form of demonic possession. So she sets out to document her findings on the matter. Eventually this leads to the offices of two priests that are preforming unauthorized exorcisms.
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Apollo 18 (2011) – Review

January 13, 2012 in Horror, Reviews

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1/2 Star

Apollo 18 is another in the unrelentingly shlock-y sub-genre know as the Found Footage film. This time instead of a haunted house or ghost in the woods, the premise is set in space where three astronauts are terrorized by an alien presence. That’s what passes as ingenuity in this amateurish film that barely registers as a feature, clocking in at a scant 85 minutes. The only thing the filmmakers get right is the palpable sense of fear of government agencies, a heavily predominant theme in films of the 1970′s in which this is set.
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Born Bad (2011) – Review

December 2, 2011 in Drama, Horror, Reviews

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3 Stars

Michael Welch (Twilight) stars in The Asylum’s Born Bad as Denny, who makes a great first impression with the parents, but after you get to know him, he just might murder you. Brooke Duncan just moved into town, and as with any young rebellious high school senior who hates her new stepmom she’s stepped out to party with an old friend even though she’s still (serious frowny face) “technically grounded”. There she meets Denny, a great guy who even wins over the hearts of her father and stepmother. If only she had seen the opening scene where Denny rapes and murders an innocent young girl, of course she hasn’t (and obviously skipped over that part in the script as well) and brings her crazy boyfriend into her home to terrorize her family. This is a cautionary tale of an incredibly impressionable teenage mind and the young man who was insane enough to impress his will on it.
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11/11/11 (2011) – Review

December 1, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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2 Stars

11/11/11 is the birthdate of Jack and Melissa Vales’ son, Nathan. It’s also the date specified in a prophecy for the coming of Satan. Coincidence? I think not. This low-budget Asylum film, titled to capitalize on the theatrically released 11-11-11, starts with the Vales family moving into their new home. Everything comes together a little too easily for them, and the neighborhood is especially welcoming, even the creepy old lady living next door. Soon it’s revealed that the town has summoned the family there in order to use Nathan as a vessel for The Devil. Nathan’s behavior becomes increasingly alarming as his new nanny Denise spurs him towards evil ways. Meanwhile the grandma next door looks for her lost cat and repeatedly sneaks into the Vales backyard through a secret door between the two yards in the shed. She tries to coax the boy to come with her, so that she can stop the coming apocalypse. Will she be successful? Or will the neighbors scheme up a decent plan in their smoke filled van to ensure their Dark Lord’s coming? The ending may surprise you.
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The Open Door (2008) – Review

November 16, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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2 1/2 Stars

In The Open Door a group of teens are possessed and killed by an evil spirit evoked from wishes granted by a pirate radio station host. Angelica (Catherine Munden) is your everyday run of the mill high school student. After becoming BFF’s with in-crowder Staci (Sarah Christine Smith) she starts to rebel against her parents, who ground her after finding out she plans to attend a big after game party to hookup with football star Brad (Mike Dunay). Staci wants Angelica to sneak out and join the fun, and tries everything in her power to get her to come. Even making it seem like Angelica is missing her chance with Brad, which is no problem for Owen (Ryan Doom), the leader of the in-crowd, who wants Angelica all to himself. Angelica turns to a pirate radio station that only comes on during the full moon to voice her frustration with the current situation. With a little coaxing from the Oracle she makes several wishes. As the party winds down the in-crowd is alerted to the fact that Angelica is home alone, and Owen’s second in command, Spike (Daniel Booko), decides the group should visit her for a scare. Unfortunately for the unruly teenagers, Angelica’s wishes are about to be granted by an evil presence. Who will make it out alive?
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Darkening Sky (2010) – Review

November 2, 2011 in Horror, Reviews, SciFi

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3 Stars

This nightmarish tale dealing with alien abduction is more of the cerebral variety than is the norm for the genre complete with one of the biggest ‘wow’ endings since The Arrival. Rider Strong (Cabin Fever, Boy Meets World) is Eric, a college student obsessed with UFO’s and cultural anthropology. Confronted with the fact that aliens may have abducted his girlfriend, Eric begins a quest to find the truth about the disappearance and a series of strange lights in an ever darkening sky.
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The Craigslist Killer (2011) – Review

November 1, 2011 in Drama, Horror, Reviews

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1 Star

The Craigslist Killer is the incredibly boring true story of robber and murderer Philip Markoff (Jake McDorman) who met his victims through the Internet classified ads site Craigslist. Philip wants to marry Megan McAllister (Agnes Bruckner) and live happily ever after. Megan falls for him with ease, seeing as Philip is a shining example of a perfect man. A graduate student and looking to become a doctor, he has one secret flaw. He likes to hook up with girls on Cragslist. Mostly though, their times are happy and Philip only shows signs of brief insanity through random looks. He screws up and runs out of money, his plan is to rob the girls he meets on Craigslist (maybe he’s already been doing this, who knows since the movie won’t show us). This eventually leads to one fighting back and he shoots her, killing her. Then Detective Bennett (William Baldwin) hunts him down, which doesn’t require much detective work since they have clear photographs of his face. Megan must now deal with the fact that she was living with a killer right under her nose, without ever realizing anything was amiss. If you don’t know the ending I won’t ruin it, but this is a very straight forward film with absolutely zero twists.
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Zombie Apocalypse (2011) – Review

October 31, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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3 Stars

A recent slew in zombie movies has resulted in quite a few unwatchable low budget films. Zombie Apocalypse breaks that mold by recreating not only the look and feel of higher budgeted work, but also working in a few simple twists as well. Here we have several groups of survivors that wind up coming together as they make their way to the coast. There they hope to catch a ferry to Catalina Island, a supposed safe haven from the undead. Along the way we learn that the zombie’s are getting smarter, the virus can infect other species and the tricks of surviving a Zombie Apocalypse. The Asylum have out done themselves with this production, a true gem in their library and incredibly easy to watch.
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Mothman (2010) – Review

October 26, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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1 1/2 Stars

Mothman is the kind of film that gets its cues from well known titles in the genre like I Know What You Did Last Summer and the first Friday the 13th. The opening ten minutes showcase the drowning of a young boy during a prank pulled by bullish jock teenagers. Once the older kids realize they’ve inadvertently murdered the tween they decide to concoct a bogus story that the victim died from a head injury. They each take turns bashing the corpse’s head in to make the alibi more believable. It’s a familiar sequence that as played feels totally perfunctory. The story then shifts forward ten years (although none of the actors look to have aged a day). Katherine (Jewel Staite) is summoned back to her hometown to cover an annual festival. Once there Katherine is forced to face her estranged friends and the truth of the drowning they covered up as teenagers. Turns out the local town legend about ‘Mothman’, a vengeful spirit, aren’t just tall tales.
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Faces in the Crowd (2011) – Review

October 25, 2011 in Drama, Horror, Reviews

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3 Stars

Milla Jovovich headlines this taut thriller about a woman that looses the ability to recognize faces. After Anna (Milla Jovovich) happens upon a brutal murder in progress, the killer turns his blade on her and she suffers severe head trauma during the struggle. The brain damage leaves her with “face blindness”. As she begins to put her life back together and learns how to manage her disability, the killer continues to taunt her. Unfortunately Anna is unable to identify him, even when he’s right in front of her. Her inability to recognize even her loved ones leaves her alone, until she teams up with the detective on the case, whose face she has the strange ability to remember. Together they set out to find serial killer Tearjerk Jack who wants more than anything to be seen.
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Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011) – Review

October 25, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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2 1/2 Stars

Wrong Turn 4, the latest installment in the now eight year old franchise, is a prequel. The prelude starts with three deformed inbred brothers that have been institutionalized in a sanitarium in 1974. After being let in on how dangerous they are by the head doctor, they immediately escape and kill their captors in horrendous ways. This leads to 2003, where in a West Virginia dorm room two couples are getting down; with one couple being lesbians (gore, nudity and sex – what more could you ask for?). Once finished they join their group and ride snowmobiles out into the wilderness for winter break. They get turned around during a storm and are forced to take refuge at the old sanitarium. Murder, mayhem and cannibalism ensue as the brothers still inhabit the old rundown (yet looking exactly as it was 25 years ago) sanitarium. Obviously we know that the inbred brothers survive, even though the advertisements for this film stress that the stranded college students fight back or die trying (my bet’s on die trying).
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The Howling: Reborn (2011) – Review

October 24, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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3 Stars

A stylish tongue-in-cheek horror film set at a high school in the middle of suburban America. This straight to DVD release is one of the more polished in recent memory. Landon Liboiron plays Will Kidman, a nerdy senior who poses a serious threat to the existence of a pack of werewolf classmates. When the appearance of a rare blue moon is spotted the animals are unleashed. At the midway point the movie itself transforms into a Die Hard-esque action extravaganza with Will and his female classmate locked inside this (futuristic as depicted) school.
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Beware (2010) – Review

October 19, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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2 Stars

Beware is a standard slasher flick in the vein of the Friday the 13th franchise. This low budget horror movie finds five young friends on a road trip. This is the group’s last hurrah as one will be departing to Europe to play soccer. On their way the car breaks down and they stop at an old garage. After being told the fix will take a day or so they luckily (or is it?) run into Maria, who takes the crew back to the Shady Grove Hotel. The town of Shady Grove isn’t the best place to get caught up though, especially if the sadistic tale of Shane is true (which it is, or there wouldn’t be a movie).
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Hellraiser: Revelations (2011) – Review

October 19, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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1 Star

Poor Pinhead, how could they show him such cinematic disrespect? Hellraiser: Revelations is a bottom of the barrel cheapie that serves more as a cash-grab than a worthwhile followup to the intense predecessors. The film is barely feature length, clocking in at 75 minutes including credits and still it feels like a long sludge through mediocrity. Amateurishly acted, scripted and directed this picture has a serious identity crisis. Teetering back and forth between, a ‘found footage’ flick and a straight up low budget horror film.
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Hellbound (1994) – Review

October 16, 2011 in Action, Horror, Reviews

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1 1/2 Stars

Hellbound plays like a greatest hits collection of familiar Chuck Norris motifs while simultaneously ripping off better films. It is the kind of sloppy movie that features an awakened evil in human form roaming present day Chicago with complete understanding of culture, slang and technology that wouldn’t come into existence until thousands of years after his entombment. If the filmmakers have that level of contempt for their audience it’s hard to derive much pleasure from the proceedings. Norris turns in a welcomed relaxed performance in a picture that looks cheap on every level. Cannon films’ name is attached as distributor but Hellbound looks like a CBS TV Movie of the Week.
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Hisss (2010) – Review

October 11, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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1 1/2 Stars

Hisss is a strange blend of a monster movie, mad-slasher horror and a dash of police procedural (actually make that a barrel of police procedural). The plot takes place in India as George States (an American, what a creative name) takes the snake goddess’ snake hubby hostage in exchange for a cure to his brain cancer. As legend says, the snake goddess will turn human and then kill a bunch of people to get her rubber hose of a lover back (more on this later). As the snake woman leaves a trail of gruesome murders on her way to George’s lair (Jigsaw would approve of these digs), a police investigator is drawn into the mix in an effort to stop the killings.
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Swamp Shark (2011) – Review

October 11, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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2 1/2 Stars

Swamp Shark originally aired as a Syfy Original on the Syfy channel. The story centers around a group of misfits that own and operate a local small town Louisiana restaurant (on the swamp of course), complete with their own alligator show. When the sheriff’s endangered animal smuggling operation goes awry (creative, no?) with a dazzling escape (for a shark) from a containment trailer the bayous of the Atchafalaya Basin are never more dangerous. It’s up to this band of misfit restauranteurs to stop the great hulking beast. Swamp Shark is a good old fashioned monster hunting movie that is just the right amount of gory, silly and fin (c’mon, that was funny).
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A Haunting in Salem (2011) – Review

October 7, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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3 Stars

The new town sheriff (Bill Oberst Jr, who looks like Viggo Mortensen’s older brother) moves into a large creepy old house with his family. It seems that in the town of Salem there’s a special house for the sheriff to live in gratis. Unfortunately it’s haunted by witches that have a strong craving for sheriff’s blood (and love chatting on the computer). With some decent makeup effects, a creepy score by Chris Ridenhour (seriously where can I buy the CD?) and lots of blood A Haunting in Salem is everything we’ve come to expect from a haunted house flick.
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The Presence (2010) – Review

October 6, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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2 Stars

If Academy Award winning actress Mira Sorvino makes a movie in the woods, does it make a sound? Yes, but not for about twenty minutes. The first 18 minutes of this slow and underwhelming ghost story is completely dialogue free. Honestly the entire movie could have been without dialogue as anything these characters have to say is completely monotonous and useless to the film’s endgame. I’m not totally unsure that The Presence isn’t a simple camera test (and it works ya!), or at least an excuse for a free lakeside vacation for Mira Sorvino (everyone else had to work while they were there).
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The Caller (2011) – Review

October 5, 2011 in Horror, Reviews

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2 Stars

The Caller plays like a made for television movie most comfortable on the Chiller channel. The plot is fairly intriguing, Mary, played by Rachelle Lefevre, gets a phone call from the past with a crazy lady on the other end of the line. The stakes are upped once the insane lady realizes that she can affect the future, and she wants nothing more than to be Mary’s friend (more like her bff). Mary tries to play it off, but as the woman intrudes on her past life causing ripples in Mary’s present life she must act to stop her.
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